Isaac & Nicki

 

 

 

Decisions

It's been nearly a month since I last posted, mostly because this past month has been dreadful, partly because my computer decided to be cranky and not work for a while. Now things are looking up and my computer is working again. Obviously. I moved into a new house and will currently be staying here for the next 30 days. After those days have past, I will be packing my car back up and moving back to the midwest. My experience so far with telling people is that they think something bad has happened and I'm moving back home because it's too hard here, but that's not the case. I'm happy to have spent the summer in Portland, but I am really happy to be moving back home. A lot of little things tied together has influenced my decision but I've ultimately decided that Portland isn't where I want to grow my intellectual and creative abilities nor grow as a person. Will I be back someday? I can see that happening. Portland is a great city and I feel like there's a lot to offer to a person, but I know that I will be able to offer Portland more once I give my life a little more structure. Right now, I don't really have a plan, I don't know what direction I want my life to be headed in, and I don't know how I'm going to figure it out, but what I do know is that I'm totally excited to see my family and friends again. It seems to me that my absence has been felt tremendously and I have felt so much love from my people back home. I'm so glad that I have something to look forward to. :)

Here's how I've been feeling lately...

I don't want to keep writing depressing things on my blog, but I guess it's about my adventures here in Portland and that includes the good and the bad. So, please, bare with me.

I've been in Portland close to three months now. Three months?! I can't tell if it feels like I've been here longer or if three months feels too long to have lived here. It's weird to think that I haven't seen my parent's in three months. I haven't gotten to enjoy the company of my nieces and nephew. I haven't really felt comfortable in three months.

Have you gotten that? Three months.

It feels like a never-ending process of struggles. I don't really see the light at the end of the tunnel and, quite frankly, I would love to pack my stuff back up and move back home. I just feel like I would be a big failure if I did that. I want to move back home on good circumstances; not cowardly, with my tail between my legs because Portland was too hard and I couldn't handle it.

I'm not really sure if it's because of the state of mind I'm in, the sad, everything sucks right now state, or if I really feel this way, but it seems to me that Portland, theoretically, cares a lot about the environment more than Portland cares about being a compassionate human being. To be honest, that really isn't okay with me. I'm okay with being environmentally conscientious, for sure, but I don't want to be made into a hard, inconsiderate person because that's what I'm around all the time.

Do you have any idea what I'm saying right now?

I'm trying to figure out what is going to make things a little easier for me. I just need to get through the rest of this month, then hopefully things will start looking up because I'll be in my own room, paying rent in a house that I can call my own, even though it's not really mine, you see? I guess being in a stressfull living situation will make everything else seem ten times worse. I'm trying to sell  my car, against my parent's wishes, because I just don't think I can afford to pay a high car payment while, also, paying rent, utilities, gas, groceries. I just hate to constantly feel broke and I think that this would be a good time to start saving money.

My priorities have shifted. Having a nice house to live in is more important to me than having a nice car that I barely drive. Where I live is like a sanctuary to me and I don't want to be stuck in a difficult living situation, again.

I've said this same thing to a couple different people and, although it still weighs on me, typing it out like this has really made me feel a little better. It could, also, be this nice, relaxing day that I finally have off. I've decided to do absolutely nothing but chill out and let my body rest a bit.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Also,

I'm not sure where this came from.



A few more things:

1. This blog look isn't doing anything exciting for me. I need to change it. 
2. I promise I will take more pictures with an actual camera.
3. Mom, I love you. I know you're reading this.

:)

Dear Portland,

You have officially been renamed "Never Never Land." I think it suits you quite well. You have a charming personality and have a knack for random, quaint coffee shops and cute little neighborhoods that have cute little parks in the middle of them. You keep clocks around, not to inform me that I need to rush, but to remind me to slow down, that time is never an issue. Please don't get me started on the adorable, multi-colored historic houses that I would love to be able to live in someday. You express yourself in many different ways, but your landscapes are absolutely breath-taking. I love being able to turn a corner and see a garden in the middle of concrete structures or, my favorite part, the tall trees that make me feel like I'm running around in a fantasy story. You are lucky to be connected to talented souls that take good care of you and appreciate your uniqueness.

I heart you Portland.

Many, many thanks,

Leah

Today...

I'll begin by saying that my job has two locations in Portland. One location is on Hawthorne Street and the other location is in Downtown Portland. Sweet job, right? My favorite part about working in downtown, even if I have to leave an hour early, is walking to work. I start out by driving to a mall parking garage, walk a block to the MAX train, ride the MAX to the downtown area, then walk about 10 blocks to the shop. It's always so nice and peaceful. Usually if I'm a little early, like I have been lately, I'll walk a couple blocks out of my way and just make a loop around. I have a routine, so it's nice to break that and take in the downtown life. There's lots of pretty buildings and beautiful landscapes and billboards. Want to know what's better? I'm about 4 blocks from Powell's Bookstore!

Oh yeah, that's right.

I decided to venture on my own a little further into downtown and so I stopped at Powell's and bought Emma by Jane Austin. Honestly, I've never read any of her books. Although, Pride and Prejudice is one of my favorite movies. I got one chapter down and started to feel so tired because reading does that to me. It's bittersweet.

Oh yeah, back to Powell's. I was standing in the store with my earphones in, because I like to walk to music, and a certain, slow song started to play. The kind of song that gives you chills, makes you feel like you are outside of your body, watching yourself, and deciphering the meaning of life. I'm pretty sure it's not just me that feels that way. If it is, at least I can assume you know what I'm talking about.

I LOVE THAT FEELING. It's a good way for me to reflect on my life. Usually, I reflect in a positive way. Sometimes, that's not the case. But it just makes my heart feel full.

Needless to say, I enjoy time to myself and I'm happy with how the day turned out.

On a side note that is kind of funny, I walked by a few homeless men who decided to check me out. Seriously, flat out stared me down for 5 seconds, literally. 5 seconds is a long time to be in an awkward situation.

I think I need to change something.

A little something while I listen to the rain...

I just need to say that I didn't expect blogging every single day to be so hard. I just normally feel like I don't know what to say or I've had a busy and exhausting day at work and by the time I get home, I just want to indulge in chocolate and my bed. So bear with me as I try to find my blogging mojo.

That being said, I also pick the worst time to blog because I tried to write a post this morning and ended up running so quick out the door that I didn't get a chance to finish.

Aside from all that, let's get back to the life of Leah. I'm finally starting to get into a routine and, to be honest, I love it. There for a while, I just felt like my emotions were all over the map. Like, seriously, all over. One minute, I would be happy to be in Portland and experiencing new things and the next minute, I would be asking myself why in the world I'm 2000 miles away from home. I do know that whatever happens, it is the path that will lead me to wherever I'm meant to be in life.

At work, as I was selling expensive shoes, a conversation sparked between this guy and I about where I was from and what brought me here. I told him that adventure brought me here. He asked me how it was going and I replied, "It's so-so."

You should have seen the look on his face! He simply stated, "You have a good job. You have a roof over your head. I say that you have it pretty well made." To say the least, he was right.

I'm going to start focusing on becoming more healthy. Physically and emotionally, those are the areas that I'm struggling with right now. I'm going to start exercising more and eating foods that will nourish my body. I'm usually pretty good at eating healthy, but when it's that time of month (did I really just mention that on here?), it's really hard to control my cravings. Seriously, if anyone has any tips, feel free to mention them. Anyway, I'm going to start photojournaling and writing more, as a way to release my built up emotions. Also, as a way to practice being creative. Oh, first and foremost, I need to get new batteries for my camera.

In conclusion, I want to look good, feel good, and just BE GOOD. Things seem to be slowly looking up and I'm ready to grow.