Decisions

It's been nearly a month since I last posted, mostly because this past month has been dreadful, partly because my computer decided to be cranky and not work for a while. Now things are looking up and my computer is working again. Obviously. I moved into a new house and will currently be staying here for the next 30 days. After those days have past, I will be packing my car back up and moving back to the midwest. My experience so far with telling people is that they think something bad has happened and I'm moving back home because it's too hard here, but that's not the case. I'm happy to have spent the summer in Portland, but I am really happy to be moving back home. A lot of little things tied together has influenced my decision but I've ultimately decided that Portland isn't where I want to grow my intellectual and creative abilities nor grow as a person. Will I be back someday? I can see that happening. Portland is a great city and I feel like there's a lot to offer to a person, but I know that I will be able to offer Portland more once I give my life a little more structure. Right now, I don't really have a plan, I don't know what direction I want my life to be headed in, and I don't know how I'm going to figure it out, but what I do know is that I'm totally excited to see my family and friends again. It seems to me that my absence has been felt tremendously and I have felt so much love from my people back home. I'm so glad that I have something to look forward to. :)

A little something while I listen to the rain...

I just need to say that I didn't expect blogging every single day to be so hard. I just normally feel like I don't know what to say or I've had a busy and exhausting day at work and by the time I get home, I just want to indulge in chocolate and my bed. So bear with me as I try to find my blogging mojo.

That being said, I also pick the worst time to blog because I tried to write a post this morning and ended up running so quick out the door that I didn't get a chance to finish.

Aside from all that, let's get back to the life of Leah. I'm finally starting to get into a routine and, to be honest, I love it. There for a while, I just felt like my emotions were all over the map. Like, seriously, all over. One minute, I would be happy to be in Portland and experiencing new things and the next minute, I would be asking myself why in the world I'm 2000 miles away from home. I do know that whatever happens, it is the path that will lead me to wherever I'm meant to be in life.

At work, as I was selling expensive shoes, a conversation sparked between this guy and I about where I was from and what brought me here. I told him that adventure brought me here. He asked me how it was going and I replied, "It's so-so."

You should have seen the look on his face! He simply stated, "You have a good job. You have a roof over your head. I say that you have it pretty well made." To say the least, he was right.

I'm going to start focusing on becoming more healthy. Physically and emotionally, those are the areas that I'm struggling with right now. I'm going to start exercising more and eating foods that will nourish my body. I'm usually pretty good at eating healthy, but when it's that time of month (did I really just mention that on here?), it's really hard to control my cravings. Seriously, if anyone has any tips, feel free to mention them. Anyway, I'm going to start photojournaling and writing more, as a way to release my built up emotions. Also, as a way to practice being creative. Oh, first and foremost, I need to get new batteries for my camera.

In conclusion, I want to look good, feel good, and just BE GOOD. Things seem to be slowly looking up and I'm ready to grow.

I don't really know how to say this.

How do you know if you're being tested? Not by God, but by evil.

I found myself feeling a sense of wholeness from my faith. The goosebumps that appear on your arm when you get this overwhelming feeling that just fills your heart. I felt protected by Him. It was like having a best friend to talk to that will just listen. That's what I needed, just someone to listen. I would focus on that everyday.

But then I got caught up in my emotional rollercoaster of a life.

I have the stress of tough financial situations where I am just flat broke.

My head and my heart have pulled me in two different directions and I promised myself that I would go with my gut. I did, to the best of my abilities.

People have popped up from the dark, dusty corners of my past.

I'm struggling with finding myself.

I know that is nothing compared to the struggles other people go through. There's a lot worse. Actually, I find it hard to continue to keep writing this post, now that I think about it because it makes me feel foolish. But I am going to continue.

I don't feel comfortable with myself and that is a battle in and of itself. That's why I feel like I'm being tested. I don't like when I don't feel close to Him and it's because of me that it's that way. It's because of me that I feel so empty, alone, and emotionally exhausted.

I just feel like I have let myself down.

That was a bit selfish.

"I realized adventure was the best way to learn".

I got this tattoo because I wholeheartedly believe it.  

I never believed that this journey would be easy. I'm learning as I go. I'm building my faith along the way.

I'm falling...

I'm picking myself back up...

I'm falling...

I'm picking myself back up...

I'm falling...

God is picking me up...

That says it all.