Here's how I've been feeling lately...

I don't want to keep writing depressing things on my blog, but I guess it's about my adventures here in Portland and that includes the good and the bad. So, please, bare with me.

I've been in Portland close to three months now. Three months?! I can't tell if it feels like I've been here longer or if three months feels too long to have lived here. It's weird to think that I haven't seen my parent's in three months. I haven't gotten to enjoy the company of my nieces and nephew. I haven't really felt comfortable in three months.

Have you gotten that? Three months.

It feels like a never-ending process of struggles. I don't really see the light at the end of the tunnel and, quite frankly, I would love to pack my stuff back up and move back home. I just feel like I would be a big failure if I did that. I want to move back home on good circumstances; not cowardly, with my tail between my legs because Portland was too hard and I couldn't handle it.

I'm not really sure if it's because of the state of mind I'm in, the sad, everything sucks right now state, or if I really feel this way, but it seems to me that Portland, theoretically, cares a lot about the environment more than Portland cares about being a compassionate human being. To be honest, that really isn't okay with me. I'm okay with being environmentally conscientious, for sure, but I don't want to be made into a hard, inconsiderate person because that's what I'm around all the time.

Do you have any idea what I'm saying right now?

I'm trying to figure out what is going to make things a little easier for me. I just need to get through the rest of this month, then hopefully things will start looking up because I'll be in my own room, paying rent in a house that I can call my own, even though it's not really mine, you see? I guess being in a stressfull living situation will make everything else seem ten times worse. I'm trying to sell  my car, against my parent's wishes, because I just don't think I can afford to pay a high car payment while, also, paying rent, utilities, gas, groceries. I just hate to constantly feel broke and I think that this would be a good time to start saving money.

My priorities have shifted. Having a nice house to live in is more important to me than having a nice car that I barely drive. Where I live is like a sanctuary to me and I don't want to be stuck in a difficult living situation, again.

I've said this same thing to a couple different people and, although it still weighs on me, typing it out like this has really made me feel a little better. It could, also, be this nice, relaxing day that I finally have off. I've decided to do absolutely nothing but chill out and let my body rest a bit.

Thanks for letting me vent.